I love technology. I really do. That doesn’t mean that it doesn’t leave a little baggage of its own when it comes to falling in love. Here are ten different ways new technologies have gotten in the way of good old fashioned dating:
I cannot tell you the last time a guy actually picked up the phone and dialed my number so that he could talk to me. Two years ago? Three? Now that men can send a little message in some weird, shorthand language, they have embraced the technology to such a degree that I often know what their penis looks like before I know what their voice sounds like. And that’s the cart before the horse even in my book.
2. Online Winks, Favorites, and Other Gimmicks
Online dating makes it so easy to meet / single out / stalk / peruse a shitload of people that we sometimes forget that they have features within those sites that make it almost too easy. I understand the desire for men to send out feelers before they “waste” time emailing me, but a wink doesn’t illicit any kind of response from me (or any other women I know), so it’s really more of a waste of time seeing that you get nothing for that very small-barely-anything-at-all effort. Right?
3. Camera Phones
Two winters ago I put on some panties, took out my Santa hat, and had a hell of a time taking dirty Christmas card shots for my lovers. I was in bed, rolling around, trying to get a great angle with my camera phone. It was fun, a welcome surprise for those who received my “card,” and something I look forward to doing again. My gripe with camera phones doesn’t have to do with these candid, impromptu shots at all. My gripe is that because men believe it’s easy to take these pictures (anyone who has done this knows that only 1 in about 346 shots comes out—so it’s anything but easy) that you should just drop what you are doing in any given moment and send them a naughty little picture: That’s right babe, I know you’re in your cubicle—just spread your legs and take a quick shot, will ya’?”
4. Shitty Cell Phone Batteries
A few weeks ago I went up to the casinos to go gambling. I had a free hotel room, so I invited the bartender who served me dinner to join me for the evening. We shot texts back and forth a few times later that night while he was still at work and then it happened—my cell phone died. Of course, I also had forgotten my phone cord. Poor me. This kind of shit happens all of the time—or does it? I think that half of the time people only claim their phone died on them because they are sick and tired of you and don’t want to be bothered by your annoying texts anymore. Think about it: A dead cell phone and a turned-off cell phone both go straight to voicemail. Hmmmm.
What can I say? The biggest complaint men give when they meet a woman for the first time is that she looks nothing like her photos that were posted online. The men complain that the pictures had to have been taken ages ago. They cry that we’ve all gained at least 15 pounds. Sorry, boys. I hate to tell you this but you’ve been had by a well-known device in all of our computers. That picture was taken yesterday, dear fellow. It was taken yesterday and photoshopped to death.
I’m a huge believer in looking your absolute best. Whether it is getting regular pedicures or buying stylish clothes, it’s important to invest in how you look when you’re dating. With this ongoing commitment to the face and ass comes regular upkeep of wrinkles. It’s imperative. It’s expensive. It’s expected. After you’ve nabbed him you can then let yourself go, right?
7. Facebook and Other Social Media
Have you ever wondered if you were dating someone only to find out that they’re dating everyone else too? Guess how you know? Facebook. Facebook is today’s answer to TMI. It’s where people go to show off about all of the great things they’re doing all of the time. It’s also a place to mark yourself as either single, in a relationship, engaged, or married. There are countless sticky situations people can find themselves in when it comes to marking our territory publically among random acquaintances we now call friends—Honey, I thought we were exclusive. How come you haven’t updated your status to show you’re in a relationship? OR Baby cakes, why is it that this chick Victoria is in two thousand pictures with you over the last three weeks? OR Who the fuck is this asshole that keeps “liking” every single damn thing you do, sweetheart?
8. “Group-on” Coupons
I had a guy once tell me that he really wanted to take me out to try a new restaurant. I thought it was so sweet and thoughtful –then at check-out he whipped out his coupon that he had bought from Group-on and all of those warm, fuzzy feelings toward him flew out the door. Seriously, don’t use a coupon early in dating—no matter how good the deal is. It looks cheap and disingenuous to take a woman to an establishment solely for the purpose of using it up before it expires. Check, please!
This is going to sound trite, but I also have a little pet peeve about I-pods. No, this is not a jab against Apple. What I don’t like about I-pods is that everyone has one AND uses one AND tunes the world around them out as they listen to their tunes. This isn’t the biggest sin to bitch about, but it is a lot more difficult to get someone’s attention at the gym or around a park when they’re listening to their music instead of hearing you scream, “Hey, you! Yeah—the hottie in the green shorts. How’s it going?”
When you type in my name you get my PG-13 blog. That’s the good news. Unfortunately, that’s also the bad news. My original blog didn’t always used to be PG-13 AND the people typing my name into Google to find me are looking to see if there is any dirt on me before they decide if they want to take me out. Guess what? There is. I love being able to find restaurants, clubs, and grungy, old dive bars on Google. It’s easy, convenient, and all on my phone. What I do not like is that people Google other people to check them out and see what the scoop is. The problem with this is that no one has any control over what makes it into the Google algorithms and what doesn’t. For example, I doubt Mon Chalet likes it very much that Off Go the Panties is what you get when you type in “Mon Chalet Panties.” But then again, they probably don’t mind too much. Wink.