If I could have three wishes from a Genie they would be:

1) Jason Giambi would happily agree to have sex with me without it being some weird jersey-chasing mercy-fuck;
2) Drinking beer would dramatically improve my figure;
3) “Slut” would lose its negative connotation and become a widely accepted term of endearment far and wide.

I’m pretty firm in my conviction that #23 will eventually come around, but I’m afraid the other two wishes are a wee bit far-fetched.

A girl can dream.

A girl can also embrace her slut status with grace and dignity. That’s right my friends, there are methods to the madness that is the promiscuous adult female. Sure, there are moments when she becomes completely bat-shit crazy, but that’s half of the fun when you’re interacting with/fucking/living the life of a bona fide slut.

What’s more, if you have been a slut for as many years as I have, and you pay attention to the men who flit into and out of your world, you can gain a lot of information other more sedate women are not privy to. You already know that knowledge is power—but do you know how to give a killer blow job? I didn’t think so.

Men and women alike can learn from the established, non-apologetic slut. I probably have dozens of lessons up my sleeve—I have a Ph.D. in curriculum and instruction, don’t forget—but some of them simply come from experience. Besides, I can’t give away ALL of my secrets. Here are a few:

1. Fat and Naked is Still Naked—I know you look better when you’ve shed a few pounds. Honestly, besides Twiggy, who doesn’t? You probably have more confidence and feel ever-so more desirable when you can get into your skinny jeans. That’s great, but don’t let it stop you from getting naked with a new guy you really want to get naked with. Naked—even rolling fat, cellulite naked—is still naked and alright by just about every single guy out there. Trust me. I know this. I’ve been with them, remember? Healthy body weight with tone is a terrific goal, but unless you are super-disciplined, it’s not terribly realistic. I prefer being with men with six pack abs just like the rest of the women out there. I get it. I just don’t let my gut dictate what I get to do with some adorable hottie who doesn’t give two shits about how much my stomach hangs out.

2. Horny Is Not Sexy—Sluts don’t have the pleasure of many men because they are hornier than other women. Horny isn’t sexy because it turns the encounter into sex (and sex only) instead of the chase/conquest/tease/flirt that it warrants. I find that sending a playful text with a teaser gets a much higher response rate than a simple, Come over and fuck my brains out. The same is true on the receiving end. When I get a booty call in the middle of the night from a man who professes his horniness to me, I’m more than a little annoyed. I prefer a man who knows how to work it by leading me in with an alluringly flirtatious invitation.

3. Pull the Trigger, Tease—Teasing playfully—and being a tease—are two entirely different things. If you’re going to lead a man down the slippery slope that could be your pussy, you had better be able to pull the trigger. Do you need to do it the minute he wants? Nope. Should you do it the first time you get the urge to unzip his fly? Not necessarily. You should, however, know that if you’re encouraging the man to believe you’re up for sex—you should eventually be up for sex. S-L-U-T may be a four letter word, but “tease” is waaaaay worse. It’s dishonest. It’s wussy. It’s playing into my hand because I’m the woman he IS having sex with after you get him all riled up.

4. Hand Jobs Are for Sissies—The thing about casual sex is that you don’t have to be good—you just have to offer something he can’t do better himself. No amount of lube is going to make your hand job more enjoyable than the one he performs on himself day in and day out. Think about it—that’s thousands of days of practice. Thousands. If you’re hesitant to do something that would require you to get naked (or nick your molars), you probably shouldn’t be having casual sex with this guy. You’re either not into him, not slutty enough, or you are just some sort of sissy who thinks that whacking a guy off is some kind of treat for him. Nine times out of ten he prefers a nice, big bowl of ice cream.

5. Cock Shot Etiquette—Sharing select photographs with lovers can be a fun, playful way to flirt long distance or during a time when you can’t spend a lot of time together. In most cases, the pictures are met with encouragement and delight. This is how it should be. If you find yourself sending pictures to someone who either isn’t a current lover, or isn’t responding—guess what?—you are probably disgusting the recipient. Genitalia (in theory and in practice) are not a pretty picture. There’s a reason Playboy doesn’t show any “pink.” When I send pictures designed to elicit joy and excitement, I am sure to keep my more private parts wrapped up in blankets, sheets, lingerie, and (my personal favorite) a Santa hat. Gentlemen: Your penis may be the most exciting thing going for you in your opinion, but seeing it doesn’t hold the same allure for the women you are trying to impress. Keep it in your pants (rock hard and unzipped a bit) and let us imagine how amazing it’s going to be the next time we get to see it in person.

6. In a Pinch, Spit—Not all lubes are created equal. The same goes for blow jobs. In both cases, however, the more saliva or lube you have working with you, the better. Just in case you don’t watch as much porn as you should (yes, that’s right, I’m an advocate) there’s a very good reason you see spit dripping everywhere. It’s fun, slippery goodness. It’s like a Slip-N-Slide without all of the grass.

7. “School Teacher” —Way back when I lived in Las Vegas, I used to teach middle school. One night out a group of us school teachers met up with some out-of-towners who seemed more than a little delighted we taught school. The reason? The cabbie had informed them that “school teacher” was code for prostitute. We had no idea, laughed when we found out, and never referred to ourselves that way again. When I was out with my Willy Loman, he told me a story about a woman who asked a gentleman he was talking to if “he would like a little company this evening.” The man thought about it, agreed, and left with the woman. I asked about the significance to the story and Willy told me that’s the line that prostitutes use. Again, I had no idea. Neither did this poor woman who probably wondered why there were a few big bills left for her on the night stand the next morning.

8. Strip Club Foreplay—Strippers are not your nemesis when you’re a slut. When used properly, strippers can serve a very helpful purpose when flirting with a man or group of men. The key is that you need to know how to behave in a strip club. Tip regularly if you’re sitting at a stage. Ask the young women their stage names. Inquire about where they get their nails done/go tan/buy shoes. Buy lap dances for your date(s) and give them some privacy. The hard working women in these clubs are not competition—they are the opening act. You are the headliner. Always.

9. Size Matters But, Not as Much as You Would Think—I’m a fan of a large penis. As far as I’m concerned, I like a lot of length AND girth. Unfortunately, I don’t always get to play with the ideal cock. What I have found, despite my preferences, is that my orgasms are more prevalent when I have a great connection with a guy and we really click as opposed to the size of his dick. What can I say? A man who knows what he is doing, treats me right, and can make me laugh can typically make me lose it. So, while I can be a bit of a snob when it comes to dimensions, I definitely see the value in the man as well.

10. The Double Standard Is Alive and Well—I like my life very much, but I do believe it could be improved upon. Besides a little action with the previously mentioned first baseman, what would that take? I would love it if I could be a sexually open woman and not have to deal with the double standard that exists everywhere. I wish men would abandon believing that women who want to have sex with them are somehow lacking. I wish I could be more open about my lifestyle with my more sexually repressed friends. I wish you would be proud to take me home to your mother even though I was down on my hands and knees the night before giving it to you like no one’s business. I wish I wish I wish I wish.

Now, hand me over that damn Genie bottle, so I can rub the fuck out of it and get sluts the respect they deserve.